I’m single. No man has won my heart recently. And while there are days that it really gets under my skin that Prince Charming is eluding me, for the most part I have a very healthy outlook on it. Part of what makes it fun is that my single friends and I get to swap tales of our ridiculous dates and (every so often) the ones that make us weak in the knees.
So many of our dating stories are too good not to share. But it’s not fair to rant in this public forum about a bad date on the off chance that it falls into the wrong hands and feelings get hurt. (That would be a very UN-JuicyOlive move.) How do I share my and my other gal-pals stories without causing men to fear they’ll wind up the laughing stock of my ever-growing readership?
Enter Claudia. A fun-loving city gal, Claudia is the culmination of all of us. She is smart, sophisticated and has a great sense of humor about her dating life. Am I Claudia? Sometimes. But sometimes she’s my colleague down the hall. Or another day she may be one of my college friends from the West Coast.
To put it simply, Claudia is your megaphone for every wacko dating story. Whisper the tale in my ear, and Claudia will tell it to the world…no one will be the wiser, but you’ll feel liberated for having shared it!
So, shall we begin?
Claudia was set up by a friend of hers recently. The friend knew this gal whose brother-in-law – Peter – lived in Chicago too! Claudia’s friend gave a proper caveat that she had only met Peter once, but that he seemed nice, was cute in a dorky way and evidently had a big network of friends in the city. Everyone got everyone’s info, and within a week the date was lined up.
First impressions: for many reasons, Claudia didn’t feel a spark with Peter. But sometimes sparks come later, so she kept chatting it up. Several times while talking, Peter mentioned that Claudia reminded him of someone she knew, but he just couldn’t put his finger on it. At last, however, it came to him. Peter said he needed to give a little background to have it make sense. And this is it:
“You know how the first time for people is sometimes a disappointment? Well, for me, it wasn’t. The first girl I ever had sex with was Katie. We met on New Year’s Eve and kissed at midnight. Then, on Valentine’s Day I asked her to prom. I told her then and there that on prom night I’d make love to her. And I did. And it was magical. There were fireworks going off. But summer rolled around and my friend Mary had a party. And Susan Jones attended it. And I ended up getting together with Susan behind Katie’s back. We didn’t do it – you know what I mean? But we did know each other orally – you know what I mean? Oh, and by the way, you remind me of Susan! [laugh] So, anyway, my fling with Susan subsides and New Year’s Eve rolls around the following year. Wouldn’t you know it, both Katie and Susan end up being at the party, and Katie finds out. She broke up with me before I ever got to kiss her at midnight. [sigh] The following summer, I dated a girl named Nancy who ended up cheating on me. And, you know, Karma’s a bitch. So, I wanted to tell you this so you’d know that I’ll never, ever cheat on you.”
During this entire monologue, Claudia didn’t speak. She did, however, down a cocktail and make it partway through the next. She was stunned. She kept looking around for the hidden camera to reveal she’s secretly on a spoof TV show. What 39-year old man talks about sex he had more than 20 years ago on his first date with someone he barely knows? What made him think it was appropriate or even interesting for that matter? Couldn’t he have said, “you remind me of a girl I knew in high school?”
Claudia rushed through the last cocktail and found a way to politely close the conversation. Upon leaving, Peter offered to walk Claudia to her corner. Reluctantly, she agreed. But she wanted to get this evening over with, so she walked quickly…in very high heels…and then she fell…on her face. Peter rushed to help her, but Claudia didn’t care. She promptly gave him a quick hug and raced off. Her Calvin Klein pumps where scuffed, and her pride was barely in tact, but at least Claudia was still going home a complete person…without Peter.
I hear from Claudia that later in the evening, Peter called her three times and texted her twice. She didn’t reply. She did, however, call me that night and give me the full briefing, which I’m happily sharing with you.
When we next visit Claudia, we’ll hear about her date with the racist, drunk doctor…fun times.